EP 206 | The Freedom of Being Unimpressive

Have you ever felt exhausted from constantly trying to impress people? That heavy feeling where your worth becomes tied to your impact, your confidence dependent on applause, and your authenticity lost in the performance? You're not alone.

In this episode, our host, Lisa Tarkington, pulls back the curtain on what true confidence really looks like - and why it might be the opposite of what we've been taught. She shares the story of her summer of 2021, when she experienced a profound sense of freedom by simply being myself without apology. Dancing on stage during keynotes, traveling solo, wearing what made her feel good rather than what was expected - she was living from a place of quiet, unshakable confidence that didn't need external validation. 

Tune in to hear how she slipped back into perfectionism, trying to impress others, and more. She talks about her solutions and finding her back to herself. 

Chapters:

• 0:19: Welcome to The Confident Podcast
• 1:37: The Confidence to Be Unimpressed
• 5:22: My Summer of Freedom 2021
• 9:34: The Gift of Being Confidently Unimpressed
• 14:04: The Invitation: Value Being Over Doing
• 19:54: Your Journey to Authentic Confidence

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Chapters

• 0:19 Welcome to The Confident Podcast
• 1:37 The Confidence to Be Unimpressed
• 5:22 My Summer of Freedom 2021
• 9:34 The Gift of Being Confidently Unimpressed
• 14:04 The Invitation: Value Being Over Doing
• 19:54 Your Journey to Authentic Confidence

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

She had calendar invites for herself. That said, be bored, because when you make time and room for all of these things, you start to trust who you are without having to package it all up, and sometimes not sometimes all the time being you is totally enough. Welcome to the Confident Podcast. I am Lisa Tarkington, your guide to mastering confidence and leadership. I am Lisa Tarkington, your guide to mastering confidence and leadership. As the business and life coach, keynote speaker and the driving force behind LEAD, I am here to help you break free from self-doubt, silence, the imposter syndrome, and step into your power as the person you're meant to be. If you press play today, it's because you're ready for something bigger. Each week, I'll bring you real, raw conversations and actionable insights that will empower you to redefine your leadership, reclaim your confidence and transform into the unstoppable force you've always known that you could be. This isn't just another podcast. It's a journey we're on together, so buckle up and let's dive into this transformation. Your next level awaits.

Speaker 1: 1:13

Hi everybody, welcome back for another episode of the Confident Podcast. I am your host, Lisa Tarkington, and today's conversation, I hope, does something a little bit different than maybe it has in the past with our episodes. I hope it's one that kind of sets you free. Sets you free from maybe some downworld spiral thoughts that you have in your mind or some negative notions of what the world has told you or what society has told you about confidence a variety of different things. One of the things I'm really proud of on this podcast is that we are always talking about growing, leading, stepping into your purpose, all of these very important things, and we're going to continue to. I'm going to continue to share my story, continue to take you guys along this journey. You've been there for eight years with me and I also think sometimes it's okay to talk about some things that might be counterintuitive or controversial or anything like that, and so when I say that I'm really talking about, maybe it's counterintuitive to what the world is saying about platforms, personal brands, polished confidence.

Speaker 1: 2:17

So today I want to talk to you guys about the confidence to be unimpressed. So it's not about being average or not being average. It's being unimpressed means not feeling like you have to perform what everybody else wants you to perform at. It's not about striving to meet everybody else's needs or what they think of you, and it's not this feeling of constantly feeling like you have to prove yourself, not this feeling of constantly feeling like you have to prove yourself. You're just fully being you, being everything that you want to be, and honestly, quietly, like not feeling like you have to have that loud confidence. I love when I like lead loud or I have loud confidence, but sometimes there's something beautiful about the people in my life when they are just quietly confident. Beautiful about the people in my life when they are just quietly confident and that just sounds amazing to me, to be honest, with you Thinking about it, thinking about people that are able to just have that confidence in all of their presence. And so that's why I'm really excited to be talking about this, because for a long time, I think for me, I struggled with that like I wanted to impress people.

Speaker 1: 3:26

I felt like I was always having to prove myself, and one of the things is is that for me, I just wrapped up a big week, I had a win on paper, I had all of the external check marks that were there, of all the things that I have done, but I also had this feeling of, instead of feeling like OK, fulfilled, everything's working out, I felt flat, right, I felt disconnected and I felt tired, and I'm not saying this is right now. I'm saying I've had big weeks like this, right, and what I realized? That it wasn't feeling burnt out, it wasn't imposter syndrome, but it was this heavy feeling of do I feel like I have to continue to impress everybody, and I felt like I had to be seen as someone who had it all together smart, confident, inspirational, I was leading well, I was doing all the right things and I was honestly doing it all. And I think that that is something that you know. When we look at people, we're like how are they doing it all? And I think that that is something that you know. When we look at people, like, how are they doing? And all all of these great things, but maybe they're crumbling inside.

Speaker 1: 4:32

And so for me, I really just had to kind of quiet my thoughts for a while and I had to think about why am I doing the things that I'm doing? Why am I still continuously proving to I'm going to use the name Stacey Stacey that I'm doing well, like does her opinion actually matter, right? And how do I just be okay with impressing myself and making my clients happy, living out my purpose? And so I really realized that there was this time in my life where I was truly me. I was quietly confident, I was just kind of didn't need to feel like I had to impress anybody, and that was really important to me. And so I've slipped away from that version of myself and I'm going to take you guys there, because it's like the best thing that, like, I've experienced and one of the best memories that I've had, and that's that I had an amazing summer of 2021. So we're going to go back four years to a summer of 2021.

Speaker 1: 5:45

And so my core values is freedom, and I felt that I felt free. I felt, in so many ways, free to be who I wanted to be and free to be Lisa. And so during that time, I took trips, I took breaks, I slowed down, I danced, I sang karaoke, I worked in different locations, I hiked, I traveled. I even went to Disney World. As an adult with no children, I spoke on many stages that summer and I was my most authentic self summer and I was my most authentic self.

Speaker 1: 6:28

I wore what made me feel confident versus thinking I have to wear this because this is what everybody's expecting me to wear. I remember also having everybody in one of my sessions like keynotes that I was teaching, stand up and dance for a few minutes because I was teaching something about burnout, and so I was dancing on stage and still to this day, like I visualize that so much and watching the people's faces just light up, of being able to be kind of authentically themselves as well, was really awesome, and so that whole summer I just felt free, and the other thing that it did for me is it gave me confidence to project moving forward. I felt a little bit more fearless than I had in the past. I also made some big risk that I, I'll be honest, I don't think I would have made had I not felt fully confident.

Speaker 1: 7:21

And so you're probably asking yourself if that summer was so amazing, how did you slip in, slip back to the perfectionism mindset, the perfectionist side, where I was wearing the clothes that I thought everybody needed me to wear. I was saying all the things. I was sitting at tables that I thought I needed to be at but I didn't even want to be at. To be honest, and I think it's because of the old stories that I told myself, I thought I had to do it a certain way, and these are things that also people say to you. People are never afraid to share their opinion, sometimes when they don't know the full story, and I think for a while there I kind of like allowed that to creep back in, and that was really hard for me. So the other thing, too, is I also had a lot of responsibilities, and I had I have this like maybe many of you guys have this where, like I have this like gray area of my brain where I'm very emotional and I see all of these amazing things, but then I have this black and white version of logic Okay, I'm responsible for this, so I have to do X, y, z and all of those types of things.

Speaker 1: 8:27

And so, for me, I felt back into that perfectionism mindset because I had some goals that I wanted to meet and so, instead of taking the new path the way that I was like feeling that opportunity to not impress people but just be fully me I creep back into the old stories and ways that I was taught of how to be successful and how to be confident. And, looking back, the Lisa version of 2021, that summer she was happy, she was free. I remember being in a car. Just my hand was out the window and I'm just like moving my hands, singing songs. I had Denver, my dog, in the background and I was not caught up in impressing externally, but I was caught up in impressing internally. I was doing the work internally and I'm still doing the work every day, but I think that that was something that was very interesting for me.

Speaker 1: 9:25

So I think we live in a culture where reward, where we get rewarded for impressing people right, I mean, I know that I've gotten many opportunities because I've impressed people and that's. I'm not saying that that's a bad thing, but I also think that it's important to be like am I even happy with myself? So maybe it's social media or a boardroom or a friendship circle where we have this unspoken expectation of each other, and I I think that that's great, that I have those people that I admire, but I think it's kind of going down to that root a little bit more about who that person is. But also one thing that I want for all of you is I want you to impress yourself. I want you to be so proud of yourself that you have that quiet confidence that you don't feel like, okay, I'm confident, I know I have to impress everybody. You're just more real with yourself, and so when we live in that mode of impressing everybody else all of the time and our confidence comes from that we confuse performance with connection, we become more focused on optics than honesty, we lose touch with the parts of ourselves that are real and raw and still and when I say still, it's like thinking about, like, who are we still becoming? What are my core values? And, most importantly, or maybe more of a dangerous thing to think about, is we begin to believe that our worth is tied to our impact Right there, as someone who wants to make an impact on the world, it's really easy to think about how our worth is tied to that. And I've been there and I've done that, and I'm still working on that, to be honest with you. And that's why being unimpressed on purpose is very, I would say, like an innovative, radical move, because I think we're always trying to impress others. But I would say like I want to flip the script for a second. I'm like how do you unimpress them? How do you just kind of be truly yourself? And if that means that someone doesn't agree with you, you're not changing who you are because of it. You're not changing who you are or you're not being like, ok, I have to act this way at this meeting to impress them. It's like, no, I'm fully going to embrace my confidence. I'm fully going to embrace the skills that I bring to the table so that they see who I am and what I can do for them.

Speaker 1: 12:04

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Speaker 1: 13:21

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Speaker 1: 13:54

And so here's what I've learned along the way with all of this stuff is when I have been fully embracing my confidence internally, not feeling like I have to share with everybody else. I've just become more honest with myself. I listen better. I think that that was like a huge part for me. With the listening piece, I've been more present than I ever have before, when I'm really just not trying to impress anybody because I'm just fully there for them, versus being like I have to say this so that they think that I'm really smart. I show up softer.

Speaker 1: 14:31

So I'm going to talk about the feminine and masculine here. So a lot of women over the years have a lot more masculine tendencies where you know we're running businesses, we're doing this and so like that's like amazing to have, like order. I love order, I love organization, I love all of that. But the feminine side men and women both need to embrace. There's this soft side, this caring side, this empathetic side, and so the more that I have showed up to just not impress people but myself, I've showed up softer for people.

Speaker 1: 15:04

I've been more empathetic. I've had some amazing conversations, even when it comes to goals or oh crap, we have to make this change. It's okay, because I'm showing up in a different way than I have in the past and I've made space for connection instead of admiring people. Right, there's people that I've always looked up to, but I never was getting to get to know them on like a deep level, a vulnerable level. I was just looking at what they've accomplished and I think, for me, what I've done is created a space for connecting with them versus, like, admiring them from afar, which is pretty awesome.

Speaker 1: 15:44

And then I think the last one, which is, like, really important to me, is I stopped crying over spilled milk, I had a lot of less self-doubt and I was truly myself, and I think that that's why this podcast, this episode, has been so important to me, because I have gone back and forth. Right, and it's easy to go back to our old ways. It so is. We talk on this podcast all the time about tools to use, and it only works if we continue to do those things. And so, if I'm envisioning that summer where I had that freedom where I felt myself, that is a piece that's been missing for a while from me. I might have been able to be successful in so many ways and learn so much about myself, but there's still this little piece that I've been missing out on and I want it back.

Speaker 1: 16:37

And what we're talking about today, with feeling confident feeling more impressed with yourself versus having to get all the external validation is key to your growth and to also find, maybe, that little piece that's missing from you. So when people actually lean into this. They have confidence because they don't feel like they have to continue to prove it to others. There's this confidence that doesn't feel like that you have to shout. They don't have to sell, they don't have to strive for other people's expectations, but it's rooted in being quiet and calm. It's saying I know who I am and I don't need you to validate that, because I'm going to validate that myself. And you're still going to have your days where you're going to try to impress people.

Speaker 1: 17:32

I mean, I remember dating my husband, trying to impress him. I remember going into a board meeting with some new folks trying to impress them. But I think how I handled it was like I'll use my husband as a reference is I was fully me. That was actually. I met him the summer after 2021, which is ironic. We fully became together during that time because I was fully rooted in who I was as a person.

Speaker 1: 17:58

I also look back at some of the times where I was able to be super honest with people because of that confidence. I was able to be super honest with people because of that confidence, and so there are times where I'm still like over-preparing because I want to sound smart instead of connected. There's times I've overworked because I wanted to be seen dependable and high capacity and capable. So I'm still learning this stuff right. So I'm still having the times, like I said, like I overprepare sometimes, I overwork myself sometimes and I think it's because I'm trying to prove something and I have to remind myself like I know myself. I know what I'm capable of.

Speaker 1: 18:40

And I was talking to a friend the other day who was taking a course online and I looked at her and I said why are you taking that course? And she had shared with me. Well, I really wanted to learn more about that. And I said you know, out of anybody, you're the smartest person I know when it comes to that skill set. And I said what's interesting is is that I see that, but you don't see that you feel like you have to keep taking these classes to prove to everybody else that you have that expertise when you do have it. And that was just a good reminder for me as well, you know, and so there's going to be moments where we're going to feel disconnected from ourselves, from others and from the moment, and I don't think we talk about this enough, especially when we're trying to impress people.

Speaker 1: 19:23

So I want to give you guys all an invitation to think about on this podcast today. What would it look like to you to be confidently unimpressed this week? Okay, so I'm gonna say the invitation again. What would it look like for you to be confidently unimpressed this week? Think about it in a different way than maybe you've thought about in the past. So maybe that means that you're going to show up to a room and not feel like you have to prove yourself, but be yourself, be you. You are in the room for a reason. Maybe that means that you're going to post something on social media that's honest instead of polished. Maybe it's having a conversation where you say I don't even know the answer or I don't know, and you pause and you let that be enough. Or maybe that means that you're going to let your value come from being and not doing. I'm going to take that last invitation for myself right there. So all of these things is about thinking of how do we show up our most confident selves, how do we be who we are meant to be? So maybe it's giving a simpler answer than going on a tangent of all the reasons why to justify something. Maybe it's leaving a space where you usually fill the silence with your expertise. Maybe you're just being quiet for a while and maybe you're taking a break without having to explain it to everybody else.

Speaker 1: 20:57

I remember I have this mentor and she used to put on her calendar be bored. She had calendar invites for herself that said be bored. On her calendar be bored, she had calendar invites for herself. That said be bored. Because when you make time and room for all of these things, you start to trust who you are without having to package it all up, and sometimes not sometimes all the time being you is totally enough. There's nothing more that I want than to have friendships that are based off of who I am versus who they think that I am, and that should be the same thing for work as well. And it's the confidence that you just don't like that doesn't wear out. It's not based on applause, it's not dependent on performance, it's steady, and I think that's pretty cool to think about. Steady, and I think that's pretty cool to think about.

Speaker 1: 21:48

So if you've been carrying this pressure to impress, which I have, I've shed it a few times and then I've come back to it. My ego's played games into it, all of these things. I just want to remind you a few things. You are allowed to just be a person. You are allowed to be in process. You're allowed to be messy. You're allowed to not have the best quote, the smartest insight or the perfect story. You're still valuable, you're still worthy and you're still a leader. And we're all going to have many ups and downs, but it's about showing up for yourself and being the best version of yourself. Your power isn't about being impressive. It's about being real, because I think that that is the most incredible thing and that is where I build connection the most with people. I literally had a conversation before I came on this podcast today that said the best relationships that I've built personally and professionally have been because I've been super real, versus trying to put on a persona for someone.

Speaker 1: 22:53

And so, closing out today, I want you to think about a few different things. I want you to think about where has your confidence been shining? Has it been from feeling like you have to meet everybody else's expectations, or are you looking at how do you impact your own expectations? How do you impress yourself this week versus impressing everybody else? And how do you show up to be you? Because I will tell you, guys, I have gone through the ups and flows and everything under the sun, but the minute that I'm truly me, it's something that, like, I just light up so much more. And that's why I love the podcast, because I'm just always honest with you guys about what's going on, and I'm going to continue to do that, because I think that that's part of having the conversations is teaching and learning as we go.

Speaker 1: 23:46

And so if you landed here because you needed this today, take note and ask yourself what are you going to invite yourself to do differently? Or maybe you need to do something a little bit differently where you need to share this with someone in your life who has been impressing everybody else but themselves? And if you're in this mode where you're trying to figure out what this invitation is for you, I want you to DM me. I want you to share with me what did you decide to focus on this week? And I can't wait to hear how it shifts for you. And please know that I got you. Please subscribe to this channel. You know, if you ever need any support with coaching, I'm here for you and we're in this together because I know for me I plan to go back to the summer of 2021, take all those tools that I have and add them back into my life for the summer of 2025. So again, as I always say, continue to spread love and kindness to everybody that you meet and have a great day.

Speaker 1: 24:49

Thank you for joining me on this episode of the Confident Podcast. If today's episode resonated with you, head over to leadconfidentlyorg for today's show notes, along with discounts to our services. Don't forget to hit the subscribe button, leave a review and follow us on Instagram and YouTube at the Confident Podcast. Your feedback means the world to me and it helps more people discover the show. And hey, if you're feeling inspired to dive deeper, let's connect. You can find me on Instagram at LisaTarkingtonOfficial. Drop me a message and let's explore how I can support your journey to confidence and leadership. Remember, you have the power to choose confidence every single day. Keep showing up, keep striving and keep believing in your potential. I'm cheering you on and I'll see you next time.