EP 200 | Why Do We Hold Onto Things That No Longer Serve Us?

We all have them—relationships, jobs, habits, or beliefs that once served us well but now hold us back. Yet something keeps us hanging on, trapped in a comfortable prison of our own making. Why is letting go so difficult, even when we know it's time?

This episode dives deep into our reluctance to release what no longer serves us. I explore how fear of loss often outweighs potential gain, how our identities become entangled with roles we've outgrown, and how emotional attachments keep us tethered to the familiar even when it's harming us.

Through personal stories and practical insights, I share how holding onto these outdated parts of our lives affects everything from our mental wellbeing to our physical health and stunts our personal growth in ways we don't always recognize. I've been there—clinging to corporate roles that burned me out, relationships that drained my energy, and limiting beliefs about who I could become.

Let's get into it! 

Chapters: 

• 0:00: Reframing Loss as Opportunity
• 1:08: Introduction to The Confident Podcast
• 6:56: Why We Hold On to Things That Don't Serve Us
• 10:45: The Psychology Behind Holding On
• 17:55: How Holding On Affects Mental and Physical Health
• 21:35: Recognizing When It's Time to Let Go
• 24:41: Strategies for Letting Go and Moving Forward
• 29:20: Challenge and Call to Action

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Chapters

• 0:00 Reframing Loss as Opportunity
• 1:08 Introduction to The Confident Podcast
• 6:56 Why We Hold On to Things That Don't Serve Us
• 10:45 The Psychology Behind Holding On
• 17:55 How Holding On Affects Mental and Physical Health
• 21:35 Recognizing When It's Time to Let Go
• 24:41 Strategies for Letting Go and Moving Forward
• 29:20 Challenge and Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

If I let go of this, I'm going to have this new opportunity versus, like it's a loss, I'm never going to be able to grow from it. So, instead of saying I'm losing something, it's really better to say I'm making space for something better. Welcome to the Confident Podcast. I am Lisa Tarkington, your guide to mastering confidence and leadership. As the business and life coach keynote speaker and the driving force behind LEAD, I am here to help you break free from self-doubt, silence, the imposter syndrome, and step into your power as the person you're meant to be. If you press play today, it's because you're ready for something bigger. Each week, I'll bring you real, raw conversations and actionable insights that will empower you to redefine your leadership, reclaim your confidence and transform into the unstoppable force you've always known that you could be. This isn't just another podcast. It's a journey we're on together. So buckle up and let's dive into this transformation. Your next level awaits. So buckle up and let's dive into this transformation. Your next level awaits.

Speaker 1: 1:08

Hi, everybody, welcome back for another episode of the Confident Podcast presented by LEAD, a nonprofit organization focused on teaching confidence, leadership and well-being. I'm so honored to be in the host seat. I'm Lisa Tarkington. If you are new, welcome. If you've been following my journey since the beginning, or maybe even midway through, or maybe even just in 2025, welcome back. I'm so happy that you're going to be listening to today's conversation and I'm going to be having a conversation with just you Today I'm doing it solo.

Speaker 1: 1:38

We're going to be talking about why do we hold on to things that no longer serve us? Why do we hold on to things that no longer serve us? Why do we hold on to things that no longer serve us? That is going to be something that we're going to be talking about today, and this is something that really resonates with me, because there are many times in my life where I've held on to things that I shouldn't have. So think about it for yourself. Have you ever found yourself holding on to a relationship, maybe a job, or even an old belief system, even though deep down, you know, wow, that's not helping me anymore? You know, when I was in my 20s I'll take us back there for a little bit I wouldn't even take us to my teen years I was reflecting a second on that one but I really think it was in my 20s where I could feel this pull of like I have to let go, but I don't want to. I think in my teenage years it was a little bit easier, maybe sometimes not so much with friendships. But as I've gotten older I've had to think about like well, is a friendship serving me anymore? Is a love relationship serving me anymore? Is a job? Those are hard to picture.

Speaker 1: 2:53

Maybe a role that you have within a career, or maybe even specific things at work that you've just constantly been doing because you're good at it but it's no longer serving you. And these are things that are really hard to reflect on. They're hard to reflect on because it's kind of like a gut check of I know I need to make a change, but it feels uncomfortable, kind of like icky, kind of just like uncomfortable, like kind of out of your skin a little bit. But when we hold on to these things that no longer serve us, like a relationship, like I said, or a job, or even an outdated belief, it slowly chips away at our growth personally and professionally, and our confidence. And that's because every time we cling on to something that's no longer serving us, it's not aligning to who we want to become anymore and it also reminds us that we aren't ready for change or we're not willing to step into something better, and for me that was a really hard process to figure out. It also has to dive into confidence, right? So confidence isn't just about believing in yourself. It's about making the choices that reflect in that belief. Like if you want to grow in a skill and a talent, there's things that you might have to let go of so that you can grow in those areas. We have to stop doubting our own judgments. We many times question our capabilities. Many of us are scared of change.

Speaker 1: 4:16

So I've always thought I've embraced change. But I guess at the same time there are many things where I didn't want to let go. I was holding on so tight and I'm thinking back to so many relationships, even friendships, and I'm like I am growing, I'm changing, you're holding me back and it's not their fault. We're just on different levels now. We're in different positions in our lives. Same thing with relationships. There are many times where I went back to relationships because it was comfortable. It was comfortable. I wasn't ready to turn that chapter in the book or even honestly close that book and move on, because it wasn't serving me. And change is hard right. There are many times I remember when I was leaving my corporate career, where I was feeling this feeling inside like I loved my job, I loved the people, but I needed to grow in a different way, to be more true to who I was. So change is really hard. Change is something that I'm still going through.

Speaker 1: 5:15

You guys have seen that on the podcast. And then when you don't make change, when you don't believe in yourself, you aren't growing in your personal and professional growth as well. So a lot of times when we hold on to our comfort zones, it prevents us from, you know, developing resilience, going through change and challenges. And this is actually something I just talked about on a keynote the other day, about how we have to work on our resiliencies, being adaptable, all of these things, because sometimes we have to change in our career, sometimes we have to change in our personal life. That's okay, as long as we're well aware of okay, I'm gonna have to like kind of like shed the old to get into the new. And you can even picture like maybe some clothes, like when you go through a new fashion cycle or something or you get a new hairdo or anything. It's like what you had in the past is no longer serving you, and so you're trying to make a change.

Speaker 1: 6:12

So I want you to think about this for a second. Think about this If you want to grow into your next best version of yourself because I always think about we have different versions of ourselves. We're moving from like 1.0 to 2.0 to maybe 2.2, all the way up every year, every month, or however you're growing you have to think about what is weighing you down right now and how are you going to let go of those things to move forward, forward. So again it's how am I going to grow into the next best version of myself, but what are the things that I have to let go of so that I can move forward to be that version? So today we're going to be diving into what's really holding us back, how it impacts us and, most importantly, how we can step into something greater. So let's get into it.

Speaker 1: 7:05

So I think we need to start with some of the psychology behind. Why do we hold on to things that no longer serve us? And I'll be sharing some stories along the way as well, because I am one of those people who have probably held on to a lot of things that I shouldn't have for fear, for being scared all the feelings that I've already shared with you guys. But there's a lot of psychological reasons and there's one of fear of losing, right Like there's a lot of research behind that shows that people are wired to fear loss more than they value potential gain. So think about someone staying in a job they hate. They stay sometimes because they're afraid of losing that stability. Right, I've been there. I loved when I just had a regular paycheck coming in all the time, right. But as much as I loved my job, there were parts of it where I was really struggling. I've shared my burnout experience with all of you guys, and so I had to work on that. So that is one area, right, like the fear of loss. And I remember too, at that time I was like coaching so many women within my organization and I was scared if I make this change to serve myself because this organization is no longer serving me, to serve myself because this organization is no longer serving me, am I going to let down these people? And I got all in my head about it. But had I not made that change, I wouldn't be here right now. Right, I had to shed what was no longer serving me, even though there were a lot of tears to get to where I am today.

Speaker 1: 8:42

Another one is around psychology, is identity and comfort. Sometimes these things are part of our identity. I remember when I was getting married and I was going from Lisa Thompson to Lisa Tarkington and Lisa Thompson was going to no longer serve me. But for 30, what? 33 years, 32 years or whatever. Whenever I got married, that was me. That was an identity right. Whenever I got married, that was me. That was an identity right, or maybe it's. You are changing careers or retiring and you're like but this is who I am, this is all people know me as. How am I going to make this shift and this change? I even felt that way when I left the corporate world. I know a lot of athletes feel this way when they're trying to retire, like I'm only known for my professional career as an athlete. How are people going to perceive me in now a career, maybe working the nine to five, and that's hard right. But when we stay in that comfort, we stay with where we identify, as we also could go through identity crisis years later because we didn't make that change, because what we were doing no longer serves us.

Speaker 1: 9:55

Another one is just kind of sitting with how much time and money or effort we've put into something so we feel like we have to stick with it. So many times we maybe have spent money, maybe on a college or a certain degree and we go into this role or this first career and we're like, oh, I have to stay here because I put the money in, I've done these things and that sounds like a lot of burden. So I'll give the example of my husband. He went to school for four years for a degree and he never did anything with it. And it wasn't until like three years later, after college, he realized what he wanted to do and he had this like moment of like, do I go pursue what I want? Because all this money was put into this degree? But what he realized was is it's going to be a hard road ahead, but if I keep staying where I'm at and prevent those feelings and maybe that guilt a little bit, I'm never going to be able to have the career that I have. And he went back to school. He went back to school for something that does serve him now and he's been in this career ever since and the light that he has compared to what he had then is completely different in his eyes. So there's many times where we invest time and money into things and we're like I'm just going to stick it out, when in reality sometimes it doesn't serve us anymore.

Speaker 1: 11:24

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Speaker 1: 12:41

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Speaker 1: 13:16

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Speaker 1: 14:16

And the last one that just some psychology reasons is we have emotional attachments, so old friendships, childhood dreams or places tied to old happiness. So sometimes we hold on to relationships, even though they're toxic, because we've been friends. I remember I had a friend in my 20s who I wanted to be her friend because I thought she was really cool, and what I realized is she was very toxic and I wanted her to like me. I was also struggling with self-esteem and confidence, and so that was a relationship that I had to let go of because it was so toxic. It was not serving me well, and I remember all the feelings rushed back right when I shared this with all of you, because I remember thinking of that. But maybe we've even had a friend that's been in our lives forever where it's time to let go because it's no longer serving us, and that's okay.

Speaker 1: 15:12

But a lot of times we stay because of that emotional attachment and also the fear of the unknown. So a lot of us have emotional attachments because we aren't certain of the future. Ooh, raising my hand on that one. How hard is that right? Sometimes we stay in unhappy relationships because we're scared to be lonely, right? I think so many people are like, oh, I don't want to go back out there on the dating apps, oh, I don't want to do this. So we stay because we're not willing to figure out what it's like to just be with ourselves.

Speaker 1: 15:44

So all of these things might be resonating with you Even when I'm listening to them. I've been through many of them and so those are like the psychology or psychological reasons behind things. But we have to talk about how this affects us. So one of the things is we can know that these things are happening, we can know that it's affecting us or that we need to make a change. But what we don't always see is what it's doing to our bodies, what it's doing to our minds, and so the first one is really around mental well-being. So think about it in the sense of how stressed out does it cause you? Do you have anxiety? Does it burn you out?

Speaker 1: 16:25

So when we hold on to unfilled jobs or relationships, it really messes with our stress and mental fatigue. There are many times where I held on to things and I remember the job, I burnt out the relationship, I was angry and not myself, I got depressed. I recently had a friend go through a breakup where she was hanging on to it and she said afterwards I lost myself and that was something that affected her, but she was clinging on to something that no longer served her, but it really was affecting her personally. Her personality changed, she changed, and it wasn't for the better, because she kept hanging on to something that wasn't serving her. Sometimes it can affect us with physical health. So maybe we have sleep issues where we're staying up all night running through scenarios. Maybe we have headaches or even heart problems.

Speaker 1: 17:18

These are things that actually happen when we hold on to things that no longer serve us, and not only that, but it messes with our growth and our confidence which you know that I preach on this podcast all the time and when we hold on to things that are no longer serving us. I know it's hard, I so know it's hard, but when you do it, when you or when you don't do it, your confidence goes down, you don't grow. And what I don't want any of you guys to do is look back 10 years and be like wow, if I just would have, if I just would have let go, if I just would have said this, if I just would have, if I just would have let go, if I just would have said this, if I just would have. It's no matter what going to be hard, but I always think 10 years from now, it'd be a lot harder than doing it now. So how do you let go and move forward? Right, like we now know the research behind it, we know how it affects us, but like, what do you actually need to do? I think that that's the thing that we have to think about is like, what am I actually going to do differently this time? And that's key, right, because you can talk about it, you can feel it, you can give up and have sleepless nights, you can have stressful days, you can have all of that stuff, but it's about action and you guys have all heard my podcast about. Stop talking about it, but put action in place. And I'm going to say the same thing when it comes to what no longer serves you.

Speaker 1: 18:41

And, first off, it's about reflection, recognizing when it's time to let go. So, asking yourself is this hurting me? Or helping me? Ask yourself that Is this my ego? Talking Like, do I not want to let go because my ego is in the way? Or thinking about it in a different way. And we've talked about zone of genius, like, if I let go, will I be able to focus on my zone of genius.

Speaker 1: 19:06

And some signs that you can notice of when it's time to let go is when you're uninspired, you feel trapped or feeling drained. And I think back to about two years ago, when I felt on my heart that I need to make some changes in my nonprofit and I didn't want to Actually, that's not true I did want to. I wanted to really badly, but I wasn't willing to let go. And recognizing it caused me to feel drained, because I was frustrated, because I knew that this is something that I had to do, but my ego was in the way I knew that it wasn't helping me, but it wasn't also hurting me yet. All of these feelings, and I remember when I started to recognize I needed to make the change, to let go. But I will tell you one thing A lot of times it doesn't just happen overnight. Now there are things where I'm like that's no longer serving me. I'm going to snap my fingers and we're good there.

Speaker 1: 20:03

But there are some hard decisions I've had to make in my life and one of those was with my career. Actually, a lot of them have had to do with my career. And so when you can realize that it's okay, I need to make this process, I need to let go, I need to grow, it can be a process, and for me that's what that was. It was a process. It took me about two and a half years to do it, and I was reflecting before this podcast, a little bit about what my life has turned into now that I'm more into my zone of genius, and I laugh because it's everything I prayed for. But it got me. It took me two and a half years to get there. I mean, it actually took me 10 years because every year I was wanting to grow a little bit. But I'm finally at the point now where I'm like, okay, we're getting there, and I know along the way there are also going to be things that I have to shed that are no longer serving me. To move to that next level, and I already know those are going to be super difficult. But if you can do it once, it makes it a lot easier.

Speaker 1: 21:02

The next one is reframing your mindset. So it's first recognizing it's time to let go. The next one is reframing your mindset. So sometimes we have to reframe our mindset. Actually, a lot of times we do.

Speaker 1: 21:15

A lot of us have a lot of negative downward spiral thoughts that come into play. It can be am I good enough If I let go of this? Will I have any friends If I let go of this relationship? Will I ever find someone or love again? If I let go of this career, will I find another one? Will I be happy on the other side and it's really easy to be logical with yourself I'll be like I'll just stay here. We're told the grass isn't greener on the other side, it's fine. And then you live in this world where you think this is the best it's going to get.

Speaker 1: 21:46

But when you reframe your mindset and really work on that positivity, you're shifting from loss to opportunity, like if I let go of this, I'm going to have this new opportunity, versus like it's a loss, I'm never going to be able to grow from it. So instead of saying I'm losing something, it's really better to say I'm making space for something better, and this was something that took me many, many years to get to. So I was always reframing my mindset, but there were also moments where I was catching myself. I was catching myself saying to myself I just don't want to let this go. I feel that emotional attachment, or I feel this attachment, or if I let this go, what will I do? But what I realized is, when I've let go of the things that no longer serve me, I made room for a space of things I didn't even know was possible, and I'm seeing that in my own life right now. As you guys have heard on the podcast, I'm now president of my nonprofit and we had an executive director and that's been a game changer for myself.

Speaker 1: 22:47

But I had to let go of that title, the ego, a certain type of leadership that I was embodying in my life. I had to let go of all of that and I had to reframe my mindset and now I have space to do the things that I meant to do, and sometimes this means that someone had to leave the job for greater success. Sometimes that means you have to leave the relationship to find something better. Sometimes that means friendship leaving that to find something better. Sometimes that means friendship leaving that, and sometimes that even means maybe you're on a diet or a workout plan and it's no longer serving you and maybe changing that up. I've been there as well. Right, there were things that I was doing in my life around health and around fitness that, as I learned more about my body, I had to let go and really understand okay, that's no longer serving me, my body needs this now. The same things go for people that you work with or the role that you have. You can be the best at a role and people could see you in that way, but sometimes you have to look internally and say, like this is, I know that I'm going to make this big change, but there is something better for me.

Speaker 1: 23:59

The next one is take action. So I don't need to go too deep into this one, because this is what you guys know me for, but set yourself up for success. Think about what are the habits that I need to get into place, what are the things that I need to get into place, what are the things that I need to do to move forward? Because a lot of times when we're letting go, we know we need to do it, but some of us need to plan that out a little bit more. Sometimes we need to seek help. So get a coach right, get community in a certain area, have therapy, whatever that is for yourself, and then set yourself up for new habits, new connections and new opportunities. It's really thinking about like okay, I'm in this comfort zone, I'm kind of hunkered down, but I'm going to open myself up to new things and take action moving forward. And another thing that you can do that is very powerful is the power of closure. So this can mean you might need to write a goodbye letter to the job, to the relationship, to the friendship, to the job description, to Lisa 1.0, 2.0, because you're moving on to 3 or 4.0, whatever that looks like. Writing that message Doesn't mean you share, it doesn't mean you have to send it, but it's like kind of like a goodbye letter to say goodbye to that version of myself. I'm ready for the next version, goodbye to what's no longer serving me, I'm ready for what's next.

Speaker 1: 25:22

Practicing gratitude it is so huge, so huge. I was giving a keynote last week and I think I said gratitude about 20 times. I might be exaggerating when I say that, but I kept reiterating it because it's how we grow and we have so much gratitude for where we are. Before any type of keynote that I do, or coaching, I always kind of set an intention and I always have gratitude for things. And I've noticed that the more that I do that, the more grateful I am and I'm able to move forward knowing like, okay, I chose this path, I'm so honored to be in this role. And I'm able to move forward knowing like, okay, I chose this path, I'm so honored to be in this role. And then I'm able to move forward. Same thing goes with closure I'm honored that I'm choosing this, I'm honored that I'm like letting go of something. How am I going to continue to be grateful for that? And then there's reflection, I would say.

Speaker 1: 26:12

When we're thinking about what no longer serves us, sometimes we can reflect pretty easily and be like, okay, that needs to let go, we need to stop doing that. And sometimes it's very easy when that's where your mind goes, but sometimes it's like I need to think about this, I need to reflect on this, and that's okay. Reflection is key. I was teaching a workshop last week and one of the men in my classes was saying I need to really start spending more time reflecting, and I couldn't agree more with him, and we talked a little bit about how people think. Well, that's selfish. If I spend a lot of time reflecting, I'm serving no one else.

Speaker 1: 26:50

But that is so not true. The more that you are intentional, the more that you are looking at what you want to serve in your life, the changes that you want to make, it actually makes everybody else around you better, because, a you're setting the example. B if you no longer want to be part of those things, you're actually serving them as well, because you're not making it awkward or weird or negative anymore. You're letting them move on to a chapter and you're moving on to a chapter as well. So reflection is really key and when we think about all of these things, I would just really really think about if maybe you're driving, maybe you're watching the YouTube, however you're listening to today's podcast is what is the one thing right now that's no longer serving you that you need to make a change on and start now.

Speaker 1: 27:40

That doesn't mean that you're going to make the change tomorrow, but maybe this is your moment to just start thinking about it, to start reflecting on it, to start preparing for it. Or maybe you'll sit there and be like you know what? The clothes in my closet are one of the things that no longer serve me. I'm going to clean those out, like you can do simple things too but regardless, I want you to grow in your confidence. I want you to know that when we don't, when we continue to hold on to things that no longer serve us, we miss out on these amazing opportunities. And I've been there. I've allowed some things in my life to happen where I've missed out on some opportunities because I just couldn't get there. I wasn't ready for that change, and I promise you, when you start to get into this rhythm a little bit more, it's still hard, but there is so much growth that can happen as well.

Speaker 1: 28:30

So that's what the challenge for all of you guys is for today, I want you to think about one thing that you need to let go of and if you need additional encouragement, dm me on social media, lisa Tarkington official. Leave a review, tell us what you're working on or message me. I'm happy to work with you. I'm happy to help people, and if you're really thinking about how maybe you're working on this downward spiral, or maybe your purpose and all of these things are now coming up when we talk, check out the Lead Within platform. You guys have podcast 50 as your code. You get 50% off your first month. Use it. These are tools that I want you to utilize because I want you to go to the next version of yourself, because I know what that feels like every time I move up, and that's something that I want for each of you. So, as I say at every podcast, continue to spread love and kindness to everybody that you meet and have a great day.

Speaker 1: 29:24

Thank you for joining me on this episode of the Confident Podcast. If today's episode resonated with you, head over to leadconfidentlyorg for today's show notes, along with discounts to our services. Don't forget to hit the subscribe button, leave a review and follow us on Instagram and YouTube. At the confident podcast, your feedback means the world to me and it helps more people discover the show. And hey, if you're feeling inspired to dive deeper, let's connect. You can find me on Instagram at Lisa Tarkington official. Drop me a message and let's connect. You can find me on Instagram at LisaTarkingtonOfficial. Drop me a message and let's explore how I can support your journey to confidence and leadership. Remember you have the power to choose confidence every single day. Keep showing up, keep striving and keep believing in your potential. I'm cheering you on and I'll see you next time.